Cooking on a budget with Pete North

Being an accomplished blogger I thought I would follow in the footsteps of Jack Monroe and make my pitch for a Guardian column and a book deal. I decided to run a food blog for unemployed men on a tight budget.

Having just been made redundant, you can see I'm working from limited resources.

For this recipe you will need:

• Morrisons own brand thick bleach (67p)
• 1 onion (Less than 50p I should imagine)
• A jar of Dolmio (99p)
• A packet of freeze dried astronaut icecream (I have no idea how much this costs or even why it's in my cupboard)

Heat half a cup of water until it boils and pour in the astronaut ice cream, along with chopped onions.

Let simmer for twenty minutes and then add the Dolmio.

Drink the bleach.

Order a pizza - paid for with the savings you have accumulated by not jacking in your job and spending all your money on tattoos and posh smartphones. Then, whine about government cuts and the lack of free money, then wait for phone call from Teh Grauniad.

As for the astronaut concoction, it tastes better with a dash of lemon juice and a tablespoon of brown sauce (so I'm told) and will cost less than £2. Eating it is entirely optional. I would advise against it.